Choosing a D & E

I ended up choosing a D & E for many reasons. I hope I never regret this decision, but I'm confident it was best for me.

This is my first pregnancy. If I chose to be induced and deliver, I could be in labor for hours, or days. I didn't want this to be my first experience with delivery. I was already so scared to go through a pregnancy again, knowing all the tests I would have to take again, knowing the results could go wrong again. If I could, I wanted this sadness of a pregnancy to be as different as possible form any future healthy pregnancies.

I also don't know if my doctor would have allowed me to go this route, with my blood pressure as high as it was. I was scared.

I know many women choose to see and hold the baby, take pictures, etc. I didn't think I could handle seeing her like that. I was happy with my little ultrasounds, and I wanted to remember her just like that, before all the scary diagnoses. <3

Sometimes this decision makes me feel a little less strong, like I took the easy road. But I remind myself that I was already on such a hard road long before this. I was making the hardest decision already, among many other hard decisions. I did what was safest for myself, and my husband.

I was prepared to do anything to make my daughter's life the best it could be if I could. But there was nothing more I could do for her.