Today, November 13, would have been my due date.
I've been dreading today for a good while. I can be somewhat of an emotional robot, so there's times when I'm even appreciative that I was the one to go through all of this instead of someone else. I feel like I can handle it, and at least turn it into some kind of purpose or new appreciation for life. Maybe it's big sister syndrome, not letting the emotions get in the way of what needs to be done at the moment, and saving all that for a little later. My brain and heart can usually work things out pretty clearly. I'm sure anyone that knows me will attest to this! Not too many people have seen me cry, just Matt mostly... and the lucky people on the el last weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person to cry on the el at midnight in Philly, am I right?
I've been doing okay. Keeping my distance from things that I'm afraid might set me off. Pinterest had the great idea to fill my page with baby girl related items that might interest me, and I couldn't figure out how to turn them off, so I probably got a little irrational with the Pinterest people. Other little things, just remind me of what I expect life to be like on that particular day if things didn't happen the way they did. How big I would be, what a pain in the ass driving would be like, what I would be wearing, or how I would be feeling. How that bedroom upstairs would look so different than it does now.
I don't even really know if I ever got the chance to enjoy pregnancy, or even feel like a mom. I feel like all the little decisions I made for both of us to be healthy, all led up to the worst decision I ever had to make. I know I did everything I possibly could, and I was wholeheartedly willing to do everything I could to give her the best life she could have if she was handicapped. I'll be honest, thinking back on planning to get in utero surgery is pretty scary now to think about. But back then it wasn't even a question. I guess it was almost like the big sister syndrome morphed into being a mom. I know my mom would do anything for us without even thinking about it. Maybe it was in me all along.
I guess I won't even know until I have a healthy baby in my arms and all of this experience will creep up and punch me in the gut, knowing what I have now have and what I lost back here. I feel like I'm missing something I can't yet understand.
It's not unlike me to try to see the positive in bad situations, just so they don't bury me whole. I guess I never would have thought I wanted a baby this much, and appreciated it so much. I know I probably didn't before. Babies were just something scary that I didn't understand and couldn't communicate with. But OUR baby would be awesome. I know every parent thinks that, and they should! But pregnancy was just something that happened and went off without a hitch. You just ate ice cream and pickles for 9 months, and a kid came out. I know that's not true, but you guys all make it look so effortless!
Holy hell, the things I know now.
The downside is, that I'll probably never ever have a happy-go-lucky pregnancy ever again. I'll see every test coming at me from miles away and know how bad things could be. That really sucks for sure. But all the worry is just the beginning to being a parent, I guess I'll just get it a little sooner! You do everything in your power to protect the ones you love, but there are just some things in life that you just can't control.
I just want to thank everyone that's been there for Matt and myself through all this, we are so lucky so be surrounded with such support and love. My parents, my sister, Matt's parents, Sue & Jim, friends, co-workers. My heart goes out to all the parents that have struggled with loss as well. I know that knowing we're not the only ones who have went through this has helped me a lot, and i want you to know that I'm here for you as well. Helping you has helped me so much in return. It's never a group you want to be a part of, but you will never meet a stronger group of ladies.
I couldn't have survived through all of this without Matt. He was there through all of it, being our strength when his wife and daughter were both suffering. He's an amazing man and I am so, so lucky to have him by my side. They say situations like this can bring couples closer or tear you apart. It has definitely brought us closer, and I think it made us appreciate what we are and what we could be so much more.
I miss you, Lily, and I hope you look down on us and your future big brothers and/or sisters (yikes), you did so much more for me than you could ever know. I will always wonder who you would have been and could have turned out to be. But I know you were already just like your mom, because we were meant to meet on Friday the 13th. xoxo
