Recovering the week after.

I thought coming home would be the hardest part of the whole experience. It wasn't easy.

Physically that week after, it wasn't so bad. I was able to go to the mall with my mom, little errands, nothing super strenuous but I felt okay, and distractions helped a lot. Mid week was really crampy and I felt really sick to my stomach at times, which is normal. Bleeding, of course. I tried to relax as best I could, but being home all week isn't something I'm used to, and I started to get restless. I was allowed to have wine again though, so that helped the relaxation a bit!

Emotionaly, it was hard. Sadness came in waves, but I felt like I was doing pretty well. Everyone was really sympathetic and supportive. But then I would feel like something was wrong with me if I wasn't crying all day. The fact that we both went through such a long period of ups, downs and disappointments really wore us down. I spent so much time trying so hard to be strong and optimistic, I just don't think I had much left in me. I was just somewhat thankful for a conclusion, even if it was the worst conclusion possible.

I still have triggers for sure. That week we tried to avoid most family functions, just because it was too much. I felt like there were a million more pregnant women and newborn babies in public than there ever were before, and of course it just felt so unfair. I knew I couldn't hold it against them, and how did I know they didn't have problems of their own? Things like a cereal commercial with a mom and daughter would bring me to tears, or a little girl riding her bike on the sidewalk as I drove to the bank one day. It makes me wonder what my little girl would have been like if she was that age.

I went back to work after about a week, and that morning was so hard. I felt like everything was going back to normal, even though I wasn't. I took a few minutes to cry on the bathroom floor while doing my makeup, like I've done many times over the past weeks. I'm not someone who feels okay crying around other people, and I've managed to prefect my game face throughout all this, unless it was with Matt. I didn't know what it would be like facing people in person. Would they act like nothing happened? Would they ask me questions? Would I melt into a pile on the floor?

I couldn't help but wonder if everyone I know knew the whole story, whether I lost the baby or terminated it, and whether that would really affect anyone. I think I'm still prepared for judgements if they come, I feel like it's inevitable.

Terminated a wanted pregnancy is just so different.